The fear of emptiness

the fear of emptiness
that hollow sinking fear
that grip of panic
that first realization
the moment of waking up
that there is nothing
there was nothing
but the mind trying to hold
fantasies and memories
to somehow connect
those fantasies
those memories
to the coming day
how will I survive it ?
if I will survive it?
with the same lies I tell myself ?
as I move the day into a construct
of reality
of importance
of memory
of addictiveness
of lies
to myself
if only I could get out of bed
and go to the gym
as I had promised myself a year ago
so that the hormones in my body
provoked by faith
or by excercise
could erase that cloying feeling
of emptiness
from my mind
but wait …..
….. but wait
my lappy
my window into the world
my website
where people write wonderful things
maybe the news!
thank god for twitter
the window into the world
something to pre occupy you
ahh – the american economy has collapsed
ahh – bomb blasts all over the world
ahh – politics
ahh – analysis
ahh – statistics
ahh – dramatics
ahh – the distractions of the day
but wait!
life has value
what am I talking about ?
this stupid mind
all those crazy thoughts
about emptiness
for there are e mails to answer
writers to meet
taxes to pay
french toast to eat
hot chocolate to drink
my pet to hug
(she hates that in the morning)
stories to write
great congratulatory
telephone calls to answer
handsome boys to fantasize
and there is instagram!
ahh, there is really so much to do
ahh, the body rhythm is normal
ahhh, the day has begun
ahh, the emptiness has gone
aah, the distractions of the day
yet again the battle has been won!
my ego has survived
for this single day
for surely
as it has done for
as long as memory
the battle will begin the next day
at 5 am again
till then a truce is called
the truth ?
why is it so painful ?
each day
the lies I tell myself
more devastating
more desperate
as emptiness creeps
like a slow moving hot lava
to engulf me
cruel and stinging
without any empathy
no sympathy
like a million screaming crows
cawing in my ear
screaming loudly
liar ! liar ! liar ! liar!
there is nothing
deep in to the void
giving up
letting go
of memory
of the past
of addiction
of the future
of the fear
just a falling
if I just let go
if I just let go
if I just let go



Sleep less
But dream harder
Hate less
But fight harder
You are not owed
It’s not your right
Place for just one
In the spotlight

Not abusive
But scream harder
Not jostling
But dance harder
If not your day
It will be your night
Place for just one
In the spotlight

Not betrayal
But compete harder
Not greedy
But grab harder
Hiding behind goodness
Don’t lose sight
Place for just one
In the spotlight


Breathless in the mind

Breathless in the mind
What I want
An arms length away,
There, I see it,
I run to it
I am breathless in the mind

A pause
Gasping and doubled over
Eyes rise from a spinning ground,
There, I see it
Just an arms length away
Standing there breathless in my mind

Another run will make it
Another pause will have it
Happiness, I see it
Shimmering in the yellow horizon
One more burst
One more thrust
Lunging forward
Breathless in my mind

Runs and pauses
Reach where I saw it
It was there I saw it
Barren and scorched
By my wants and needs
Happiness has moved
A little more to the east
Under the yellow horizon
There it lies
One more chance to find
I begin over
Breathless in the mind


Should I believe?

Should I believe?

Should I believe everything happens for a reason? 

Should I believe in Destiny?

Should I believe you are here for a reason?

Should I believe you sigh when you hear from me?

Should I believe when you close your eyes you see me?

Should I believe you think, if only?

Should I believe you are so many unsaid thoughts?

Should I believe you are so many feelings?

Should I believe you smile to yourself?

Should I believe you have a secret?
Should I believe I could be your secret?

Should I believe I make a difference?

Should I believe you hear music?
Should I believe I could be your music? 

Should I believe you have dreams?
Should I believe I  could be your dream?

Should I believe that silences have meanings?
Should I believe I could be your silence?

Should I believe there is no beginning?
Should I believe there is no end?

Should I believe it is right for me to believe?

Should I believe that love is what I believe?